Luke The Sandwich.com

 

Chapter One:

 

        It all started in April of 2008 in a small town with the name of Smickenladougalthefken.  The town had just named Zac Efron as their mayor, to the delight and joy of many young female residents, but to the dismay of our main character, Luke Walker.

        He despised so much that he had a picture of him in his room, which he threw flaming darts at. (He usually missed, but that’s not really relevant to the story.)

How could you not have a place in your heart for an actor, singer, dancer, and cute heartthrob like Zac? Well, Luke had a jealous heart.  As I implied earlier Mr. Efron had a habit of stealing the hearts, souls, and minds of young girls across the universe with his dreamy eyes, which can also shoot laser beams of hot sauce, and his manly voice, which was given to him by a wicked witch in Tibet with hair made of spaghetti. (In fact, he had acquired that voice by flying to Jupiter in a bright orange Big Mac box with a cow named Mulford, but that’s a whole other story that would take 50 million years to tell! And I’m not exaggerating!)

Sorry, I’ll get back to our poor, heartbroken main character.

One of those stolen girls was Luke’s secret love, Miss Loretta VonSlugerhausen.  Loretta was the best pie eater in town. In fact, she had just around 1,376,257 champion pie eating belts to prove it. He loved the way her face looked when it was encumbered by banana cream pie, and when she snorted whipped cream up her nose to the tune of ‘White and Nerdy’. He admired the way she wore her many belts…. They were kept on a coat rack, which she wore on her head. Her tie dyed hair also enchanted him. (So much in fact, that whenever he saw her, he burst into a fit of high pitched giggles and started to skip around in dazed and confused circles.)

        Well, his love, who did not know she had already been claimed by Mr. Walker, had fallen head over heals for Zac. (For once, before High School Musical, of course, he had also been a champion pie eater.)

        Everyday, Luke would watch as Loretta skipped down the street backward, while singing ‘I’ll Sue Ya’ by Weird Al and picking cool whip out of her nose, toward Zac’s mansion, which was shaped like a shoe, on Freakishlyweirdweirdowing Avenue in Smickenladougalthefken. Each time, he would follow her into the house. There, he would dress up like a hippo in a tutu and sing ‘Canadian Idiot’ opera style for Zac and Loretta while they slurped up goblets of lazerbeam hot sauce Zac had drawn from his own eyes.

        Now this went on for quite a while until one very warm day in May when Luke met a man in a gorilla suit.

        Luke was sitting in a bathtub and sailing down the Mississippi River, when all of a sudden, BANG, BOOM, CRACKLE, SNAP, WHAM, a poor imitation of a gorilla, wrapped in a Canadian flag, fell gracefully into his lap.

        Luke stared on very confused, as the large primate started to do the Macarana and shout “Pickle juice!” at random intervals. The gorilla stopped his horrible dancing and pulled a saxophone out of his right ear, shoved it down his throat, and then pulled it out of his nose, all while crying out the lyrics to the Canadian national anthem in three different languages. Somehow Luke was enchanted by the Canadian gorilla’s song, so he began to hop up and down like a crazed maniac and bite the gorilla’s left ear. Then, the gorilla started to talk, surprisingly in English, without a Canadian accent.

        “Stop it! I am here to get you your lady. Miss VonSlugerhausen, is it?”

        Luke barked like a French poodle in agreement.

        “Well I have a plan!”

 

Chapter Two:

 

        When they arrived at Luke’s house, the gorilla did something strange! He pulled out a sandwich, dressed in neon leather pants and a bright orange Alvin and the Chipmunk’s shirt, and threw in onto the back of Luke’s trusty, not to mention hairless, cat, Steve, which he had stolen from his ex-best friend, Felix Pie. Steve screamed like Hannah Montana, sprouted wings, blew fire out of his nostrils, and then began to fly around the room knocking books about undead turkeys to the floor.

        “What are you doing to my cat?” Luke asked in the voice of a 56 year old disco queen.

        “My sandwich wanted a ride!” the gorilla man replied as he uprooted Luke’s refrigerator and blasted it into smithereens with the pinky toe on his right foot.

        Luke, upset by the gorilla’s actions, called up the Chicago Cubs baseball team, who proceeded to fly through the fireplace on giant bottles of mustard, all with jellybean jars in their hands.

        This surprised the hairy mammal, for he thought the Cubs were way too loserlike to even mount a mustard bottle, then he realized how they managed it.

        “Doctor Ben Tbelforde, we meet again!” Mr. Gorilla screamed into the face of a very purple unicorn with very long rainbow eyelashes.

        “Hello! I knew you would return with your sandwich to reek more havoc onto the US of A! How have those Canadian’s been treating you?” Mr. Benji answered and questioned matter of factly.

        “Pretty well, thanks! Hey! Don’t change the topic! Anyway… I thought I got rid of you back in DC!”

        “Nope, all that horrible potion did was turn me into this hideous thing!”

        “I think you’re pretty!” Luke butted in stupidly while trying to follow their ridiculous conversation.

        (In case you’re just as confused as Luke right now, read the insert by me, the editor coming up in one paragraph!)

 

New Special Insert by Laurel Hemmer

Ben’s Not So Boring Beginning

 

        (Dr.) Ben Tbelforde sat on the steps of his favorite museum in Washington DC. He started to get up and he saw a big, bulky gorilla shaped shadow move in the bushes. He ran as fast as he could and hid in the deep, dark alley behind the White House.

Ben, who, at this time, had never met the Man In The Gorilla Suit before, had no clue of what he was capable of doing.

The gorilla guy of coarse, had been stalking Ben for months and knew everything about this fake, self-proclaimed doctor and what he could do to help Luke. He had not yet begun his evil plots that would turn out not quite so evil, but the first thing he would have to do is exterminate Ben, and he had every intention of doing so.

The Guy In The Gorilla Suit followed Ben to the deep, dark alley behind the white house. When he and Benjamin were still human-face to hairy gorilla-mask-face, he pulled a saxophone out of his ear and proposed a band geek duel to Ben.

Mr. Tbelforde, who was just standing there silent, dazed and confused, surprisingly for the first time in his life, took out his trombone, which he kept with him at all times in a special pink pocket sized, shrinking, fake-fur and leather lined trombone case.

They played magnificently for 40 days and 40 nights straight, but poor Ben was no match for TMITGS, seeing as he was only the 3^rd chair saxophone player at his school and was getting so lazy, he was thinking about quitting. He was soon out of breath and lying unconscious on the ground.

TMITGS took out a bottle of potion with a picture of a skull and crossbones on it and pored it down Benji’s throat. This was a mistake, but he knew nothing of it as he walked away to go meet his friend Weird Al.

 

Ben woke up even more dazed and confused than before. He tried to stand up, but he tripped. Hey! Why was he on all fours? He looked down and screamed like a little girl. He had hooves! And he was purple!

He galloped to a nearby puddle (it had rained a lot during those 40 days) and examined his reflection. He was now a dark lavender unicorn with a rainbow colored mane and eyelashes.

He was very scared. People might bring him to a zoo and perform tests on him!!! He didn’t want to be a lab unicorn!!!

He cried and pink cream puffs fell to the ground. The poor distressed unicorn decided it would be best if he lived up in the clouds and rainbows away from curious, stupid people. According to gossip these days, that’s where all of the other mythical creature things lived!

So, he flew up into the clouds and found a nice piece of rainbow-front property to stay on.

Ben was looking around and he saw a pot that appeared to be filled with gold, but was really just a projection covering an entrance hole. He approached it and a little weird leprechaun dressed in green with a green hat that had a shamrock in it jumped out.

“Who are you?” it asked in a weird Irish accent.

“I’m Dr. Professor Ben Tbelforde the third! You’re the lucky charms guy!!!”

“Sure….” he replied sarcastically. “What are you doing here?”

“I got turned into a unicorn by the man in the gorilla suit.”

An alarm suddenly went off in the hidden place. A bunch of other little leprechauns came running out of the projection.

“TMITGS? Where?!?!?!?” they all cried spastically in high pitched voices while running around in circles around the pot of golden gold image.

“You idiots! It’s just a false alarm. We were just discussing what happened to this poor unicorn named Ben.”

“I’m a person,” Ben said irritatedly. “And what are you midgets talking about???”

“The TMITGS is just another name for the man in the gorilla suit. We hate him too because he and that stupid pet sandwich he has are always causing havoc everywhere they go.”

Just then, another group of leprechauns, who were all dressed in outfits from around the world, came jumping out of the entrance and joined in in running around in circles.

“By the way, my real name is Darby O’Gill,” the ‘lucky charms guy’ stated, apparently exasperated with the dunderheads. “This in the hidden entrance to our rainbow village! You’re free to stay if you’d like. Right now, we’re having our annual Global Leprechauns Convention!.”

“Guten Tag!” said one of the weird leprechauns, who was wearing a green hat with a feather in it and little overalls and a blouse, in a bad German accent as they suddenly ceased running in their circular path.

“Aloha!” said another.

“Hola”

“Hey hue mar du?”

“Hey, eh!”

The leprechauns continued greeting him for another week straight. There were a lot of them.

“By the way again,” said Darby as the meet’n’greet came to a close. “We really love music here, so you’ll have to participate in our concerts if you’re planning on staying. Do you have an instrument?”

Ben pulled trombone out of his rainbowy locks with some difficulty because of his newfound hooves.

“Yep.”

It was a good thing the trombone didn’t have keys.

“Yayyyyyy!!!” the midgets cheered in unison.

The GLC went on for another 3 years. Every night, a different culture performed a song or two for several hours in a row. Many performances were annoying, but Ben particularly enjoyed the Svedish celaboration, ja!

The little blond short people, boys with funny crowns and girls with braids and flower headbands, wore cute colorful costumes and danced around a flower and ribbon covered pole as they sang.

Their song was about little pigs and frogs and dogs. The animals were very funny to watch and some had ears and tails and some didn’t. They also made all sorts of funny noises. Their song was sung in English and Svenska about 2000 times.

The verse about pigs was Ben’s favorite.

 

“Little pigs, little pigs, are fuunny to watch,

Little pigs, little pigs, are fuunny to watch.

Both ears, both ears, and taaails they have,

Both ears, both ears, and taaails they have.

Ohhhh, oink oink oink, oh oink oink oink,

Oh oink oink oink oink oink

Oh oink oink oink, oh oink oink oink,

Oh oink oink oink oink oink

 

And in Svenska, it was

“Oh nuff nuff nuff, oh nuff nuff nuff…”

When the three years were over, Ben was very sad to see all of the little multicolored leprechauns go. Only the Irish-American leprechauns that lived there remained.

Ben was starting to miss his home, but didn't dare go back for fear of either becoming a science experiment, meeting TMITGS, or both. His life, never the less, was happy.

Seeing as none of the Irishmen played trombone, they were all very excited and pleased with Benji. How could they know he was only 3rd chair and could barely play with hooves? (Burn. (By Mel))

Well, they had a concert every other night for 10 hours. Ben had an awesome solo song every concert. Actually, it was more like one new song and a new solo by Ben played over and over and over again until that 10 hours was up and the little green men got tired from bouncing around off of the walls in excitement the whole time.

On the days they didn’t have a concert, the practiced half the day on the new song, which they would play the following day at the next concert.

Ben enjoyed it immensely. They had great food and parties, and lots of books, and even several nerds who liked to talk about math.

Ben was good friends with one of them in particular. His name was Patrick, the short, skinny, red head leprechaun. He and Ben would have long, thrilling, pointless conversations about zero and pi and other weird equations like 2+2=5 and

1+2=a carrot.

 

 

        Ben was galloping quietly over a rainbow when he heard a really loud polka song playing a school below him. He turned on his superpower x-ray vision and stared into a chaotic classroom.

        There was Luke, who, at the time, was still under the witness protection act and disguised as Charlie, countless weird people, baseball players, students running around, and… the guy in the gorilla suit.

        All sorts of stuff happened (you can read about it shortly), and then Luke swallowed a building. So, Ben dressed up a leprechaun as the old human Ben and got him high on coffee so he could examine Luke.

        Then, all sorts of other stuff happened that he couldn’t understand, and it ended as the gorilla guy rolling a seemingly dead Luke down the hill in a base drum.

        “Poor Luke,” he thought.

        Fortunately, or maybe it was unfortunately, Luke popped out of the base drum screaming something about freedom and yelping as he rolled down the hill. Lauren, who Ben had only heard of then, suddenly flew out of a nearby cloud, grabbed Luke, threw him to safety, and flew back (if you’re asking how she flew without even being changed yet, it doesn’t matter, IT’S JUST A STORY! Thank you for reading this far. You can continue now.) where she was attacked and turned into a penguin by TMITGS. (More on this later in my other insert about Lauren)

        “Poor Lauren. Now I really don’t want anything to do with TMITGS,” he thought, running away.

        No less than a month later, a leprechaun went missing and came back later in the same day with a gold filled pot for none other than your favorite and ours, Dr. Professor Ben Tbelforde the 3^rd.

        Benji took off the lid and out popped a bunch of loserly, patriotically un-patriotic… clowns! No, wait, those were actually the loserly, patriotically un-patriotic Cubs®! It must have been sent from TMITGS to haunt him for life!

        He found the return address on the pot and discovered it had been sent from dearest Luke Edward’s house! Ben fought with his fears and decided to face TMITGS for his friends sake. He flew to Luke’s house immediately to help stop the potential (not kinetic for all you science geeks out there) danger.

 

End of Insert. Now back to the previously scheduled novel.

 

“Well, here we meet again!” the gorilla said, also pulling a musical instrument out of his mane (If you didn’t know, his is a purple saxophone.).

“so you still have the sax, ehhh Mr. Furball!?!?” the pretty unicorn sang in a voice almost as sweet as Strawberry Shortcake herself.

“Let’s call a band geek duel!” the gorilla cried out menacingly, with gummy worms hanging out of his nose.

Luke was all very confused at this. He stood dazed, watching the Cubs zoom about his house on their mustard bottles banging into his walls and each other stupidly. He was about to run out the door when the gorilla called the band geek duel.

The whole house turned into ranch dressing and disappeared into thin air before the eyes of the pie eating Loretta VonSlugerhausen, who, at the time, had been scarfing down spinach pies that Luke had given to her that very morning.

She was confused because no one knew she absolutely loved spinach pies. Could she be making a mistake in loving Wackie Zackie?

Dazed at the disappearance of her newfound crush, she clucked like a chicken and rode a giant blue and purple cat into town to look for some help.

Meanwhile, the gorilla, unicorn, Chicago Cubs, cat, sandwich, and of course Luke, flew across the sky on talking dumpsters that randomly mumbled phrases from Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, as well as sentences from The Never War.

Luke, who was always prepared, pulled out his That’s So Raven cell phone and called his friends Kollin, Tim, and Tim, who were all at a Chinese checkers match in China, probably eating pig eyes and popcorn shrimp.

“Hey Luke! You gotta see this man! I didn’t know Chinese checkers could be so tubular!” (Real) Tim said in a bad surfer accent.

“Yeah Luke, I got a new boring gray sweatshirt that was signed by Professor Macintosh, the best Chinese checkers player in the universe!” Kollin stated nervously, as if he was hiding something.

“Hey guys, can I talk to Artificial for a sec? I’ve got a situation!” Luke sang into the phone while drawing on his own face with multicolored highlighters. (Nominee for best line ever written by Mel)

“Hey Lukas… what is up my man! I have not seen you in like, a long time! How are you and Lauren Hammer doing?” Artificial Tim rapped into the phone.

“Well, I don’t really like Lauren anymore; she was way too strange for me, so I dumped her and fell for the groovy chick Loretta! And well, she is in love with Zac Effron!” Luke answered dejectedly while painting his nails ‘Puppy Pink’.

“Aren’t we all?” Tim laughed like Santa Clause, spilling his coconut smoothie in the act.

“Tim, I am serious here! I am riding on a talking dumpster to go to some band geeks’ duel. My house turned into ranch dressing and the Cubs broke all of my possessions because of their stupidity. A gorilla’s sandwich traumatized my hairless cat and a giant unicorn named Ben con fused me with his conversations about zero.”

“Whoa, slow down slick… sounds like you have a personal problem. I’ll be there in a second!”

At that moment, Tim, Tim, and Kollin boarded their mutant, psychotic, invisible, rabid squirrels and sailed into the moonlight howling at the moon like maniacs.

Luke continued from his fingernails to his toes as the dumpsters came to a complete stop at a planet shaped like a set of tympani drums.

The gorilla and the hideous unicorn toppled off of their dumpsters and started to sing harmoniously as they walked through a mallet into the center of the tympani circle.

Then, in a flash of a camera bulb, Luke’s trusty buddies arrived to save the day.

Tim, Tim, and Kollin quickly somersaulted off their mutant mammals and grapevined to Luke’s side. Then the mammals, which were used for T, T, and K’s transportation, burped up mutant Care Bears of many different colors, shapes, and sizes. The travelers thought the bears were cute at first, but then the bears fished licorice whips out of their bellybuttons.

“Which one of you is Luke Walker?” a bright pink bear with rainbow eyelashes yelled in a voice that kind of sounded like Corbin Bleu’s.

        “He is!” Kollin and the Tims whispered, pushing poor, confused Luke towards the seemingly demon possessed bears.

        With that, the Care Bear whipped out a machine gun and started shooting randomly. Unfortunately, he or she hit Ben the Unicorn in the nose and he dropped to the ground and cried cream puffs!!!

        “No messing around! I have gotten orders to sustain you all. You are gonna have to come with me. I am the fierce but incredibly cute… Annihilator!!!”

        Reluctantly, Luke the human, Kollin, Tim, the other Tim, Ben the very injured and confused unicorn, the strange weirdo in the gorilla suit, Luke the Sandwich, Steve the hairless cat, and the CHICAGO CUBS (Derek, Alfonso, Koske, Carlos, Lou and the Riot (Ryan)) followed the ball of fluff up a rainbowy arc made of Laffy Taffy into a giant ship which looked to be a cream puff.

        The inside of the ship, which was indeed a cream puff, revealed what they thought to be a little bizarre was even more strange than they thought.

        All around, cute, fuzzy bears with machine guns danced around giggling, laughing, and batting their adorable multicolored eyelashes. The lead bear, whose name ironically turned out to be Mr. Cuddle Wuddles, slowly led them through a series of candy striped doors made of cheese (maybe gorgonzola), and while he was doing this he sang:

                       

“We are the Care Bears,

                        The fuzzy wuzzy Care Bears,

                        We’ll shoot you down till

                        You hit the ground!

                       

                        We are cute and fuzzy and made of fluff,

                        We may be cuddley, but we sure are tough!”

 

        This went on for quite a long time, so long in fact that when they finally got to their destination, Luke the Sandwich went up to the Care Bear and bit his head off. Purple goo spurted out of what was left of the evil mammal, and Organic Tim, being rather adventurous, tipped the furry body upside down and slurped the goo down his throat.

        “Grapey!” Tim said, blood dripping down his chin.

        “Hey, look at this dudes, yo!” Artificial Tim rapped, pointing at the ground.

        The dripping of bears blood had rested in the shape of Vanessa Anne Hudgen’s head…

        “Yeah, it’s baby V… She is so awesome! I love high school musical! Fabulous, that is my simple request, simply fabulous, bigger and better and best…”

        At that point, Derek Lee and Carlos Zambrano burst into song, dance routine included.

        “Yuck, I can’t stand her! She’s just a snobby, well… snob!” a strange but somewhat familiar voice stated in a bad French accent.

        “Hey, who was that?” Luke questioned intently. “That voice sounds so familiar.”

        “Hi Lukie Wukie…” the voice said. Then the voice’s owner jumped out of a Kleenex box near the door.

        It was Lauren Hammar, but… she was different… she was a penguin! An Emperor Penguin to be exact…

        “Laur, Laur, Lauren?” Kollin and Luke stammered.

        “What happened to you?” Artificial Tim butted in rudely.

        “Well, lets just say I had a run in with an evil villain. Let’s get out of here!” Lauren said as she waddled towards the exit with the speed of a snail eating a lion elephant thing.

        “Come on Kolly Wolly… let’s get a cracka lackin!” Lauren the happy, but very slow moving, penguin stated, this time in a bad southern accent.

        So, one by one, Luke the human, Kollin, Tim, Tim, Ben the Unicorn, Luke the Sandwich, the guy in the gorilla suit, and the Chicago Cubs followed the strange accent speaking penguin as she jumped out of the window to your left and pulled a pink umbrella out of a multicolored belt she was wearing. She then sailed through the air, up through the clouds, and into a porthole shouting words like “Sassafrass” and “Dingodide” and “Prontopoff” along the way.

        And the followers, of course followed her… not knowing she was about to bring the to doom. Eventually…

 

Chapter Three:

 

Meanwhile, the young Loretta VonSlugerhausen was back in Smikenladougalthefkin riding a blue and purple cat into town for some help… When she finally got to the police station she noticed something strange… Everyone in the town had turned into donuts?!? Frantically, she cartwheeled while singing the alphabet towards Zac’s house on a street with a really long name. Maybe Wackie Zackie could help her find Lukie Wukie!!!

Before she could open his door, Zac fell face first onto the hood of a giant car shaped like a rubber duckie, grabbed her belt bearing coat rack, and started to roll away.

As the car zoomed down the street the radio played the High School Musical Two Special Edition soundtrackin pig latin.

Now pig latin had a strange effect on Miss Slugerhausen; it made her babble idiotically and uncontrolably while she did the chicken dance on the top of Zac’s head. She could have escaped the car if she would have seen the bridge… As the car approached it, her head hit the clearance sign. That knocked her out. But, lucky her, her coat rack of belts caught on a truck driving on the overpass above. What will happen to her? Let’s go back to Luke before we find out!

 

CHAPTER FOUR:

 

The last time we heard from our young lad was when he screamed like a little 7 year old girl as he twirled like a ballerina through the porthole.

Zing…Wham… Smack… and just like that at the snore of a walrus Luke found himself at… Wrigley Field… but it was different… and everything was in black and white!?!?! He tumbled to the ground in front of the stadium, unfortunately on top of Tim, Tim, Kollin, and all the other people it would take to long to name.

“Oh, look, it’s Wrigley Field! Why is everything black and white?” Lauren said with a confused smile in a rather bad Italian accent.

“You mean you didn’t know you were bringing us here?” Luke sang like a dancing diva in disgust.    “Oh, so this is why all those old movies are in black and white,” Organic Tim snorted with stupidity.

“No, you stupid moron! We must have passed through a worm hole!” Ben the horribly injured, but rather smart unicorn moaned mater-of-factly.

“So we went back in time!” Kollin replied brightly. Then he proceded to quack like a duck and peck at stones on the ground.

“Yes, we did! Very good Kolly Wolly!” Ben agreed, prancing around in circles despite his injury.

“I hate that name!” Kollin said with the sneer of a demonic mountain goat.

Meanwhile, Luke, disgusted with the weird penguin, walked around looking for a paper. He saw one! It was 1909! One year after the cUBS had played in the World Series! “Hmmmmm…” He looked over at the cUBS, who were licking the ground to see if it was made out of cream cheese.

“I’ve got an idea!” he thought maniacally. Clucking like a chicken, Luke boarded a bus and hitch hiked all the way to Belvidere, Illinois, which was Organic Tim’s hometown. There, he break-danced on his head all the way to Jesse Lacemen’s house in the present where he stole a goat and shoved it down his throat. The Lacemens found this out though, so they called the local police, but they were slow in getting there because it was National Donut Day and we all know police people love donuts, especially chocolate donuts, but Luke, not being a resident of Belvidere, fled, fearing for his life.

He skipped backward to Central Middle School, which was completely flooded, using only the right side of his tongue. He needed help, and fast! He quickly swam to the janitor’s office, and there he found the atomic janitor.

“Hey, Mr. Janitor Sir, can I get a ride back to Chicago?”

“Glrganformalwhitzenbagen!” the atomic janitor screamed at the top of his lungs. He then proceeded to grab poor Luke and put him up on top of his helmetized head. They flew up and out, literally up and out, of the school, breaking a large fragment of the roof off in the process, and sailed across the sky back to Chicago were a cUBS game was about to start.

 

 END OF PART ONE

 

 

CHAPTER ONE PART TWO:

THE MYSTERIOUS MYSTERY THAT IS WHERE MISS SLUGERHAUSEN ISN’T

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

~ I’m unusual, not so typical, way to smart to be waiting around! Tai chi practicing, snow board champion, I can fix the flat on your car, I might even be a rock star! ~

 

Suddenly, Loretta woke up. Where was she and why was Hannah Montana music playing? She jolted, only to realize that her coat rack of belts was gone! She cartwheeled to the door, finger in nose, and started to bang on it with her free hand…

        “Luke, where are you? Save me!”

        “Ahhh, I see you have woken up my little pretty!” said an extremely snobby and preppy sing songy voice.

        “Who are you?” Loretta VonSlugerhausen squeaked like a mouse who was about to have its head cut off.

 

 

Whoosh, slam, crack! The strange lunatic of a janitor dropped Luke right over Wrigley Field and he landed… right on top of the Cubs dugout! Immediately, the Cubbies’ fans’ eyes looked over to the strange boy with the weird clothes. What was he doing on their beloved Cubbie Wubbies’ dugout!?!?

        The ushers, dressed in bright, neon green tutus rushed over to apprehend poor, but rather brave and manly, Luke, but before they could reach him, he pulled out the goat, threw it onto the field and said:

                “I know you Cubs fans are so cheery,

                cause the Cubs just won the series,

                But until the world is dead,

the Cubs will never win again!”

        Then he disappeared and dissolved, and all that was left of him was a ginormous, humungo pile of Cheetos, which the Cubs players ate because they didn’t know that those Cheetos would curse them forever!

 

 

 

            After he had cursed the Cubs, Luke found himself in a diner called the Zombie, which was in the middle of the city… surprisingly, all of his buddies, including his old girlfriend, who was now a penguin, were there…

        “Finally we can rest!” Luke said with a large, dramatical sigh.

        “We’ll see about that!” said some mysterious voices with a burst of giggles.

        Luke turned around to see who had spoken. Then, Artificial Tim screamed in alarm, for someone had picked up his rapper jacket from the back of his chair and put it on… the problem with that was… there was nothing there but the jacket floating in midair.

        Then the other Tim screamed like a little scared girly-girl because someone had taken his glasses off his nose and put them on their own face.

        These floating figures then proceeded to walk upon the stage and do a rap routine, which took four days to complete…

        Then, at the snap of Kollin’s fingers, the figures appeared and could be seen even by the small, slightly stale sandwich.

        “MJ? SW? I knew you’d come!” the man in the gorilla suit sang as he ran up to them and hugged them, almost choking them to death.

        “Yo, dude, were not called the MJSW sisters anymore! Were a trio now!” the mysterious singers sang as they pointed towards a cloaked figure by the door.

“Hi ya! I’m…he ha he ha te he te he… Izzy…he he ha ha te he te he!” sang the figure while pulling off his rainbow colored cloak with Walmart® smiley faces on it dramatically. He then leaped high in the air and onto the stage, proudly spreading his arms out.

        “What’s his problem?” Ben, the very sick but still pretty, unicorn questioned, a hint of sarcasm and laughter in his voice.

        “He’s an elf!” MJ and SW sang in unison creepily. “He plays electric guitar! And he can sing! So, we formed the group “The Canadian Street Llama Ningas!” Haven’t you heard of us? Our CD’s are on the top of the charts!”

        “Are you the ones who put out ‘Grapes and Melons That Got Nerve’?” Organic Tim wondered in awe.

        “That’s us… te he ha ha ha he!” Izzy said in a fit of giggles… “You know, I could get someone to turn you back into a human, Mr. Unicorn… te he ha ha ha he!”

        Ben was just about to question how when they heard a gobble… a high pitched, creepy, eerie, weird gobble… not a cluck or a chuck, a gobble… A GOBBLE GOT IT!

        “Oh no, not again!” Luke screamed, jumping on top of the table in fear.

        “It’s the rise of the undead turkeys!!!”

 

Chapter Four: The trip to Hollister and the torture of Prince Ludendorf the Third… that wasn’t…

 

        Vanessa Anne Hudges?… no that wasn’t her… the snobbish Ashley Tisdale?... wait, that’s not it… the snobbish… Who was it?!?  Loretta thought to herself… She had seen the girl somewhere, but where?

        “Who are you?” Loretta stammered once again.

        “No one knows, do they? I’ve been in so many famous movies! Including High School Musical! But no one knows who I am. I am Zac Efron’s real love! No one can change that! Not you, not Vanessa, not Ashley, no one!” The mysterious stranger cried and screamed in an incredibly preppy voice.

        “Wait, you’re one of the cheerleaders?”

        “Yes, that’s me, and I disposed of…

 

CHAPTER FIVE:

 

“Undead turkeys?!?” Kollin, Tim, Tim, MJ, SW, Izzy, Lauren, Ben, Derek, Alfonso, Ryan, Lou, Carlos, Luke the Sandwich, and the Man in the Gorilla Suit cried out in a variety of different styles and voices.

“I had to deal with them back in Philly!” Luke cried out. “When I was Charlie McFiggins. I had a cat named Ste…”

“No one cares about your dead cat!” the gorilla man shouted while twirling in circles.

“Yeah! We want to know how to get rid of these undead… turkeys or whatever!” Kollin screamed out, tears pouring down his face for fear of his life.

“Well… I really didn’t get rid of them last time, Weird Al did with his piñata or something!”

“Luke!!! What are we gonna do?” Mel and Steph cried frantically, carefully eyeing the multiple turkeys rising by their feet!

“I’m sorry! I really am, but were gonna die……! Wait!”

 

 

CHAPTER SIX: THE TALES OF THE CHARLIE MCFINNIGAN

-A FLASHBACK-

 

It all started way back in 2007, a day after Christmas, when Luke lived with his crazy Aunt Janet, who was addicted to American Idol so much that she once had ridden on the top of a bus just to stand next to the studio where it was filmed. But that is a tale for another time. (I’m sorry, but we actually don’t actually have an insert to this one. If you want, you can write one and send it in to the address on the first few pages!J)

Well, that night changes his life forever…

He really didn’t like to talk about it… The cops had just ran in with their guns and they had taken him away. Apparently his crazy Aunt Janet had murdered Simon Cowell, the renowned judge, for saying something about her favorite contestant… So they told him he had to go under the witness protection program as Charlie McFinnigan. He had to go to a new school, and somewhere along the way, he had acquired a chocolate addiction.

Everyday, he brought chocolate to school and passed it out to the kids in his class. The kids, of course, thought he was a humungo weirdo, so one sympathetic teacher had put up posters of chocolate all over her classroom.

Kids often referred to him as Charlie from the chocolate factory. Then some strange things happened, but you’ll have to read a whole other story to understand that.

 

New Special Insert by Rick Nellis

Chocolates From Charlie

 

Part I

          Charlie was often teased because he liked chocolate so much. His classmates asked him if he was the boy from the book about the chocolate factory! Charlie usually smiled and handed pieces of a candy bar to friends when they said things like that. He even shared his daily chocolates with a sympathetic teacher who had signs and posters about chocolate all over her classroom walls.

On the Friday before school got out for Christmas holidays, Charlie came to class with a huge sack of chocolates for everyone. He took a large stereo system out of his giant sack of potatoes and played a rousing version of ‘Roll Out the Barrel’. Bob Uker walked in holding hands with the Easter Bunny and everyone started to polka.

Then, Weird Al burned down the door with his ‘White and Nerdy’ flamethrower and announced “Something smells like Nirvana!” He pulled out his accordion and started playing.

Over the intercom, the wacky principal Tootijargsalot announced that Regius Philbin was just elected President of the Universe. Everybody ran out of the school screaming, except the class that was experiencing the polka-ramma of a lifetime.

A crazy man in a gorilla suit ran down a flight of stairs that led from the clouds and pulled a light saber out of his mouth while yelling “Cheese balls!” Nobody noticed Mr. Biggles, a clown, come out of nowhere and seize Charlie with a large hook. In a sad attempt to save Charlie from a lifetime circus gig in Hershey, Pennsylvania, Derek Lee threw a hot dog at Mr. Biggles. The hot dog sailed two feet before hitting the ground, sprouting wings, and flying away to Tibet where it lived a long, jubilous life before getting eaten by the Abominable Snowman.

Meanwhile, Weird Al picked up Jim Carey and threw him at Mr. Biggles, who fell into a vat of tapioca pudding. Charlie stood up and ran headfirst into a wall made of almonds.

Then, Felix Pie got on his trusty steed and rode Steve, the hairless pink cat, off into the sunset. Before he disappeared, J.J. Hardy threw a piñata full of screaming rabid squirrels at him and nailed him in the head.

During all of this commotion, the polka party was still taking place and chants of “Go Yoda! Go Yoda!” could be heard all over the hills and threw the woods, but your grandmother probably couldn’t hear it.

Zooming by, Panica Patrick and other racers drove strait into the party. One of the racers crashed into the stereo. There was a boom and a cry of “Toga!” and everything was silent.

Sprawling from the car, Tim, carrying a sack of anonymous creatures, pulled out a rabid cat and flung him at Bill  Hall, who hit it with a bat made of cream cheese. To his dismay, Charlie called out his famous last words, “I’ve got it, with sour cream on top!”

Millions of undead turkeys arose and started pecking Tim. The guy in the gorilla suit  took out his light saber and fought alongside  Yoda, Mr. Grinch, Kollin Eliot, Ebenezer Scrooge, Bob Marley, Spongebob Squarepants, and Mr. Potato Head. They quickly reduced the zombie turkeys into piles of undead flesh and bones.

A referee from the Super Bowl parachuted down onto the battle field and started blowing his whistle randomly. A fat, blue butterfly came down from nowhere and picked the ref up saying “Merry Christmas to all!” with its belly shaking like a bowl full of jelly.

Charlie, who had taken cover during the conflict, came out of hiding and was quickly tackled by Brian Urlacher. He landed on an aardvark, which started warbling in a language so exotic, it put him to sleep. Soon, everyone was asleep, until a giant named Sleepy stomped over to see what was happening. He too fell asleep. He fell and landed on Justin, who was on a cruise in Hawaii.

Awakening from a deep slumber, Charlie ate the Empire State Building in a single bound. Because of this strange feat, Dr. Tbelforde had to examine Charlie. Charlie stepped into his office and watched a floating clock soar by.

At 3:00 A.M., Benjie was always high on coffee. He randomly started bouncing off the walls. Charlie pulled out a trombone and used it to swat a fly that had entered the room. The man in the gorilla suit walked into the room holding a saxophone and $20.00 in cash.

They played to the death. When they played the Star Wars theme song, Jubba the Hut and Darth Vader walked into the room. During the final fermata of the last note, breathless and suffocating, Charlie fell over dead for lack of air. The malicious saxophone player pulled off the mask that Charlie was wearing. Everyone, especially Darth Vader gasped as the pale, expressionless face of Luke Walker blankly stared back at them.

At his funeral, they placed Luke in a bass drum while singing ‘Rock-A-Bye-Baby’ and rolled him down Mt. McKinley. They also threw Mr. Biggles down the mountain because he had a heart attack while going down the kiddy slide at Belvidere Park.

Removing the Gorilla mask, Rick Nellis watched Luke roll down the mountain while eating a hot dog and laughing maniacally.

 

Part II

 

        Rick then left the funeral and met Weird Al at McDonalds. Together, they adopted a hairless peanut butter sandwich and took it for a walk. A dog named Brutto came and tried to eat the sandwich, which by the way had been named Luke, but Weird Al hit the dog with his accordion.

They taught Luke how to play the trombone. When it joined band, it was first chair.

One day, Kollin Eliot went over to Weird Al’s house in Lynwood, California because he couldn’t remember how to use a chainsaw. Tired and hungry from his chainsaw lesson, Kollin saw a sandwich sitting on the counter and decided to eat it. The sandwich slapped him in the face and ate him instead.

When Rick came over, he saw the terrible remains of Weird Al and his chainsaw lesson that must have gone horribly wrong. He saw no sign of Kollin, but  Luke was happily skipping around, singing about rainbows and gumdrops. The T.V. suddenly turned on and a giant whale hurdled out of the T.V. Rick picked up Luke and ran.

While he was running, the Wicked Witch of the West entered a bicycle race and won. A round of “We are the Champions” could be heard around the world, except in China.

Then, everyone heard a gunshot. In Washington D.C., a man in a gorilla suit was holding a pistol while Regius Philbin dropped to the floor, fatally wounded. Cheese tacos flew at the gorilla and shot at him with hot sauce launchers. The man drank it all, laughed, and ran away with a faithful sandwich at his heels.

Prince Fielder was elected as the new president and Benjamin Tbelforde, still hyper on coffee, was the investigator of the case. All he could find were crumbs of a peanut butter sandwich. Similar crumbs had been found in California.

But, the notorious evil villain had rode his amazing sandwich, Luke, off into the sunset, where he disappeared into Canada, happily rejoicing over the election of Prince Fielder. Benjamin Belford disappeared three days after the murder. Only crumbs were found at the scene of the crime. Somewhere out there, two happy souls live in harmony with the Canadians in Canadia.

 

End of this insert. Now back to Luke’s flashback.

 

        Well, in the end, Luke was discovered after he died. At his funeral, he was rolled down Mt. McKinley in a bass drum, but he wasn’t really dead… Luke woke up as he rolled down that hill and broke out of the drum with a yelp of “Freedom!”, but, well, the mountain wasn’t ‘done’ yet. So, he bounced and rolled down the hill screaming in pain “Help! Help!”. 

        And help did come. Unexpectedly, a girl jumped out of the sky!

        “Hey Lukie Wukie!” said the girl.

        “Oh, no!” Luke screamed in horror. It was Lauren Hammer, his old girlfriend. He had left her after his aunt had gone to jail.

        Lauren scooped him up and threw him across the sky and flew into the clouds where a strange gorilla man was waiting, an evil sneer on his ugly mug…

        That is how Lauren became a penguin. The gorilla threw her into a vat of radioactive pudding… and well you can guess the rest. But guess what! You don’t have to!

 

Another Special Insert By Laurel Hemmer

Lauren’s Side Of The Story

(For once)

 

        Lauren sat on a cloud watchind and crying as all of the weird people and TMITGS rolled the supposedly dead Luke down the mountainside in a base drum.  She heard the gorilla man laugh manically and saw him walk away. Then Luke broke out of the base drum and yelled “Freedom!”, then screamed out in pain as he continued his trip down the mountain.

        Lauren bolted from the cloud and Luke continued to yell for help.

        “Hey Lukie Wukie!”

        “Oh no!” he cried.

Lauren scooped him up and threw him across the sky to safety. She flew back to her cloud, and who was waiting for her!?! None other than… the man in the gorilla suit!

He pulled out his saxophone and she pulled out her glockenspiel. They played until they were exausted. Big poisonous bees flew out of sax at Lauren when he played and a cloudy, purple shield flew up around Lauren. TGITGS forced Lauren and her glockenspiel back until she felt nothing under her feet. She fell backwards into a toxic vat of chocolate pudding.

With a big “Poof!!!”, Lauren felt herself shrinking and growing feathers. She was an emperor penguin!

She gargled and chocked on the pudding and jumped out penguinishly.

Lauren ran over to TMITGS and slid under his feet, tripping him. She ran to a conveniently close tissue box and hid in it.

Whoosh====== She flew through space and landed in a little town. Surprisingly, it was where Luke had landed, just slightly black and blue and bruised all over!

She didn’t really want Luke to see her as a penguin, so she hid in the town and just popped up at random intervals every once in a while.

A few days after she and Luke got there, Zac Efron got elected as Mayor! Yuck!!! Almost every girl immediately fell in love with him.

Meanwhile, Luke was also falling in love. He saw a girl named Loretta VonSlugerhausen at a pie eating contest. He got hearts in his eyes as he saw the girl with crumbs on her face and whipped cream up her nose and brightly died hair. It was love at first sight.

He even giggled and skipped around in circles every time he saw her! Lauren was sick with envy and despair. Sure, Luke had broken up with her before, but she still loved him with all her heart.

One day, Lauren was sitting on her front porch cleaning her feathers when who else but Zac Efron! Walked past surrounded by a swarm of girls.

“Eureka!” cried Lauren in a bad English accent. Quickly, an evil plot came to mind.

She called Loretta and asked if she would come to her house that afternoon. “Luke will be there too!” Lauren bribed.

“Really! Of course I’ll come!” Loretta exclaimed and hung up abruptly.

“Ding Dong!”

“Yes! The mail’s here!” shouted Lauren as she waddled slowly towards the door. She dragged in a large box and unpacked her new BrainWashyThing2000™. She set it up and discretely put it next to where Loretta would sit. She programmed it so the victim (Loretta) would hate anyone named Luke and love movie stars named Zac Effron to a point of hysteria.

Loretta came in and sat in the chair with her name on it stupidly. It even had a cool reading lamp attached! Zap!!!

“Sorry about that. I guess the lamp blew a fuse or something. By the way, Luke can still come over if you want.” Lauren said apologetically.

“Luke! Ewww! I hate him! Why would I want him over here?” Loretta complained.

-Evil Music Plays-

Lauren waddled to the basement and put the

BrainWashyThing2000™back in its box.

        “Just remembered, I have another pie eating contest to go to today. Gotta run!” Loretta called down.

        Lauren waited for the door to close with a ‘Click’ and began to laugh maniacally. “Now this is how TMITGS feels after a victory! Mwahahaha!!!” Lauren said to no one in particular. “Yes! Now I have Luke all to myself!”

        Then, she noticed some small print on the label of the box. It read:

                   CAUTION: Results of BWT2000 are

   only temporary. Not to be used by

   children or penguins.

        “Aw, who listens to labels anyway? Wait!!! What’s it mean only temporary!?!” she said dismissively but suddenly crying.  There was a chance Loretta could love Luke again!L “And that’s why I usually go to Dr. Professor Ben Tbelforde instead of Nerds’R’Us.” She thought feeling stupider than a guy trying to pay for stuff with monopoly money.

        The next thing that happened to her put her head on strait.

        Lauren heard a piercing scream, lots of crashing stuff, grunting, and the distinct confusing voices of Luke, TMITGS, and the Cubs!!!

        “Oh no!” she wailed. “I’ll save you Lukie Wukie!” Unfortunately, because she waddled so slow as a penguin, they were long gone when she got there.

        “Shoot! Oh, wait! The tissue box of power!” Lauren saw many large men in banana yellow sweatshirts and sweatpants running around as she left. They were a few of Zac Effron’s many guards! They even sang songs from HSM!

        When Lauren got back to her magic transporting tissue box, she decided to check all of Zac’s summer (and winter, cause it’s summer in those places at the time) resorts. Wow. That would take a while.

        First, she went to one in Belize. It was surrounded by rainforest and about 1000 girls waiting in line to meet Zac when he got there again in 2 years. Talk about Zac fanatics. There was nothing and no one there but a maid and expensive junk.

        The next 200 places were pretty much the same (except without the rainforest). There was one everywhere but China.

        After several days of searching for her beloved, Lauren realized she had completely forgotten his one home on a hidden wintery island in the middle of nowhere that only flying dumpsters knew the way to! Cuddly Cave: Castle of the Corruptive, Chorus-loving Creative Care Bears!

        Sure enough, there had been reports of several new prisoners flying there on special dumpsters! Yay! Lauren waited carefully in her tissue box for the singing bears to lead her friends away.

        Lauren barely endured the terrible, annoying singing and watched in amazement and gratefulness as Luke and Co. slayed the lead bear (Or rather LTS bit his head off).

        “Lukie Wukie!” she cried affectionately in a bad southern accent.

 

End of this insert. Now back to Luke’s flashback, again.

 

        Boom! She turned into a penguin! A very slow penguin!

 

End of Flashback

 

 

        “Disposed of who?” Loretta asked in a very mimiky, preppy voice.

 

CHAPTER EIGHT:

BACK TO LUKE

 

        “Luke, what do we do???” Everyone, who would take too long to name, screamed in unison. 

        “Ummm!” Luke said and snapped his fingers.

        Then everyone, everyone, disappeared into thin air.

 

CHAPTER ONE PART THREE:

THE TRIP TO THE SET OF HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3

 

        “Tell me who you disposed of!” Loretta asked frantically interrupting the suspensive …’s of the astonished girl.

        “I would if you’d shut your mouth! I disposed of… Simon Cowell!”

        “Huh? Luke told me his…”

        “I am Aunt Janet!” screamed the girl, pulling down the zipper on her back, revealing a hideously ugly person in a Pirates of the Caribbean costume.

 

CHAPTER TWO:

 

        The group appeared in a tropical area. All the people were floating down a river in giant tea cups made of boa constrictors!?!

        “Where are we?” gasped Ben in pain, blood still pouring out of his nose.

        “I have ha ha ha te he… no te he ha ha… clue!” roared Izzy in annoying laughter.

        “I don’t know, but the river’s made of chocolate!!!” Lauren said, her face smeared with brownish black goo.

        “Yum!” Mel said, dipping her already brown hand into the river again for another drink.

        “Stop!” yelled a voice coming from the embankment that was along side them… “No one is permitted to eat this chocolate without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball!!!” the voice yelled as loud as an angry elephant on steroids.

        “Who was that?” Kollin howled like a depressed and confused howler monkey.

        “I’ll tell you who I am! I am your worst nightmare!” the manly voice said in the tone of that movie trailer guy before bursting into the following song that Luke scribbled down on a piece of paper so I could put it in this book. At the same time, Tim was still wondering which nightmare the guy was; the giant purple tarantula or the clown?

       

“I’ll steal their hearts,

I like strawberry tarts,

Everybody loves me,

Why don’t you climb up that tree?

 

Chicken fries,

Oh, my eyes,

How I wish I was the ruler of the world!

 

I love eating pie,

Oh how I wish you would die,

You are the killer of my soul!

 

This song makes no sense,

Zack and Cody climb through vents,

I hope my singing is torture to you!...”

 

        … This song went on to be repeated 700 times.

        “When will it end?” Mel cried with the anger and annoyance of a furious fighting bull.

        “Hope… te he ha ha… fully… te he ha ha ha, soon!” Izzy giggled idiotically while sneezing like flu ridden hippo.

        “Yes, it’s finally over!” Stephie cried with the enthusiasm of a three toed sloth as the song came to a close.

        Then the figure came into sight… well, actually two figures. One was the extremely annoying and yet terribly uncute Zac Efron, and the other was Luke’s crazy Aunt Janet!

 

~Scary Music Plays in the Background~

 

-Then the Phantom of the Opera runs into view,

 salami stick in hand-

       

        “What in the name of Hannah Montana is going on here?” Lauren Hammer the penguin said in a really bad Finnish accent while the phantom ripped off his mask and began salting her flipper and hitting it with meat.

        “I… he ha he… don’t… hoo he te he… really… te he ha ha… know… he ta he te ha ha ha!” Izzy the rather giggly elf snorted as he was being dragged away by the chipmunks streaming out of Luke’s Aunt’s nose.

        “I am the Annoying Brewers-Hater! Hear me roar!” an extremely strange man wearing a Cubs cape and a piece of tape with ‘loser’ written across it shouted as he landed on top of Luke the Sandwich, squishing him in the act.

        In all the utter confusion, TMITGS and Ben the Unicorn were carried away by Air Conditioning (A.C.).

 

 

        “WHAT IS HAPPENING!!!” Luke cried in confusion.

        “Luke!”

        “Loretta?”

        “Luke!”

        “Loretta?”

        “Luke?”

        “Loretta!”

        “Luke?”

        “Loretta!”

        “Luke?”

        “Loretta?”

        “Luke?”

        “Loretta!”

        “Luke?”

        “Loretta!”

 

~Romantic Music Plays in the Background~

 

        Loretta and Luke ran towards each other, arms outstretched, ready for a loving hug, but all of a sudden…

        WHAM!... Zac and Lauren jumped in front of them, blocking their meeting.

        “It isn’t her you want, Lukie Wukie! It’s me! After all, I saved your life on multiple occasions!” Lauren cried in her best impression of a well known soap opera star.

        “But I love Loretta!” Luke cried, his arms outstretched, tears made of bright green goo streaming down his face.

        “Loretta, it isn’t this imbecile you want! It’s me, your Zackie Wackie! I mean, no one, NO ONE HAS EVER TURNED ME DOWN!!!” Zac said, his supposedly gorgeous eyes leaking tears of hope and anger.

        “But I love Luke!” Loretta cried in a high pitched, squeaky voice.

        “Lauren! You don’t love Luke, you love me!” Kollin bawled, running towards the emotional group.

        “But Zac, I thought you loved me! That’s why we traveled together! We could plot evil together!” cried Luke’s crazy Aunt Janet as she skipped mournfully towards her love.

        “I am really in love with a taco!” Organic Tim cried, also joining the drama fest.

        “I admit it! I’m not really as cool as I think I am! I’m actually the idiot! Dr. Ben actually gave me an operation!” Artificial Tim cried and ran to join the sobbers.

         “I’m not really a gorilla!” TMITGS shouted, then began to sob uncontrollably onto the shoulder of his sandwich.

        “I’m not really a doctor! I’m just the guy who gets high on coffee all the time!” babbled Ben the dying unicorn while galloping pathetically towards the now quite large group.

        “We’re not really good baseball players!” the Cubs cried.

        “Well duh! Everyone knows that!” everyone said in unison, stopping crying momentarily.

        “Why is everyone… te he ha ha ha… crying?” Izzy giggle like a six year old pretty princess.

        This cry fest lasted hours, to the dismay of the Canadian Street Llama Ninjas, who were happy all the time, and to the annoyance of the squished remains of Luke the Sandwich, who was also quite a cheery little chap. Finally, one thing broke it… singing, and, of course, laughing.

 

 

“Ha ha ha, he he he,

Nothing makes me sad,

 

Ha ha ha, he he he,

Sadness is so bad!

 

We are happy all the time,

Our little lives are so sublime,

 

We are so very cheery,

Why are you so down and weary?”

 

        “Yay, my… ha ha he… clan… te he… is finally… he ha… here!” Izzy the elf snorted happily.

        “This is your clan?” Loretta, Luke, and all the other sobby, sad people laughed in amazement.

        “We… ha ha he… make people… ha ha… happy!” One of the elves giggled as he danced over and tipped his four hats to the now happy and joyful crowd.

        The elves then went on to pick each person up one by one and bring them to their village, which was situated in a group of giant, purple, polka-dotted mushrooms.

        “Hey, look! The cute little elves are taking us to their mushroom town!” Lauren sighed, batting her eyelashes, her sadness completely gone.

       

The elves continued to march the travelers down a path of gumdrops, through a candy cane gate, and into a mushroom subdivision.

        “This way! This way!” one of the cutesy elves giggled, waving his arm towards an especially bright purple mushroom.

        One by one, each person ducked under the beaded doorway and into an examination room. The walls were covered with bright pink paint and unicorn wallpaper.

        “Oh, I like the wall paper!” Ben the Unicorn cried, his eyes astonished.

        “Oh, the unicorn! He’s here!” several of the rather happy elves whispered excitedly.

        “Well I wouldn’t want to bother him!” replied Izzy, who had just taken a request from a fellow elf. “Oh, O.K., I’ll ask… he he ha ha… him!” Izzy sighed like a depressed 6 year old chimpanzee. “Umm… Mr. Tbelforde… are you really a unicorn?”

        “Uh, ya I’m a unicorn! Why wouldn’t I be?!? I mean, look at me!” Ben said, giggling like a 12 year old girl, all the while prancing around the room happily.

        “Hooray!” all of the elves giggled in delight as they lifted  Ben with surprising strength on their shoulders.

        “WAIT! Where are you taking me?!?” Ben cried, alarmed at what the little elves were doing.

 

-In the background, the Phantom of the Opera screeches and moans while banging his salami stick on a cage door that suddenly opened to reveal the somehow captured Zac Efron (The elves hated everything HSM)-

 

CHAPTER FIVE: SADNESS AND DEPRESSION IN THE ELF VILLAGE

 

        While Ben was screeching in terror, Luke was hugging Loretta… well, more like suffocating her to death.

        “I’m so glad we can finally be in love!” Luke cried, squeezing Loretta as hard as he could.

        “Ahmmanummumamum!” Loretta screamed, trying to gasp for breath.

        “What? I know Loretta! I love you too!” Luke smiled, hearts in his eyes.

        “Ahmumamumiamni!” Loretta frantically screamed, arms flailing, trying to breath.

        Then she dropped to the ground… coat-rackless and beltless she fell to the ground… whipped cream still dripping out of her nose.

        “What have I done!” screamed Luke with a sort of sad, yet strange voice. “I’ve gone and killed her!” He sobbed, dropping to the ground and starting to cry in her hair. “Why?!? Why me?”

 

-A storm rolls in, lightning crashes, and thunder booms-

        And that’s what happens to our hero’s crush, but the story does not end here!!! There is more to come!!!

 

 

CHAPTER ONE PART FOUR:

ZAC STARTS HIS PATHETIC ATTEMPTS TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD

        Zac Efron climbs out from behind the cage… he sees Luke on the ground, his head buried in the long, multicolored hair of Loretta VonSlugerhausen. Well, it serves him right! He stole my girl! If I can’t have her… nobody can! Now to put my plan into effect! Those little elves can’t hide them forever! He thought as he let out an evil laugh more disturbing than a clowns that rang out through the jungle and made the baboons fall off the rocks and out of the trees. “I AM ZAC EFRON, RULER OF THE WORLD!”

 

CHAPTER TWO:

FIVE YEARS LATER, STILL IN THE ELF VILLAGE

 

        “I can’t take it anymore!” screamed Mel like a maniac truck driver from Alabama. “This giggling is driving me bananas!”

        “Me too!” Steph sighed like an unenthused child just as he has o do a science report on grass.

        “I gotta get out of here!” TMITGS, who still had not revealed himself, cried while elves climbed up his arms and onto his head.

        “Let’s make a run for it!” Luke yelled as he covered his ears to block out the infernal giggling.

 

~Luke had *apparently* gotten over Loretta~

 

        “BUT WHAT ABOUT BEN?” the small, very squished and flattened sandwich wrote on the small piece of paper he carried around with him so he could communicate.

        “Ahhh,” Mel said. “We’ll leave him! I mean, look at him! He’s so happy!” she continued, pointing her twitching finger towards the overjoyed unicorn.

        Ben was sitting on a beach chair while elves were feeding him cheese out of a can, and he looked very happyful.

        “O.K., hobey ho, let’s go!” Lauren the still very, very slow penguin screeched in a rather bad German accent as she waddled towards the exit of the mushroom village.

        Little did they know, their lives were coming to an end!

        Just as I said before… Zac twitched and twirled after the tricky, treacherous travelers terrifically as they walked out of the safety of the elf village they had taken refuge in for five very long, very giggly years.

        “Where will we go now, Lauren?” Stephie sang in a very Hannah Montana like voice as she kicked an empty Cheese Whiz can across the jungle road.

        “Well, I don’t know lass! Where ever my stupendous Kleenex takes us, of course!” the penguin babbled in a terribly horrendous Scottish accent.

        At the moment, Lauren picked up LTS and took a big bite out of his left side.

        “WHAT IN THE NAME OF PROFFESOR DUUFFENSMIRTZ DID YOU JUST DO?!?” the gorilla man roared at the strange, enchanted penguin.

        “I was hun…” Lauren started to explain, but alas, the sandwich scooped her up with his tongue made of pickles and ate her, letting out a satisfied burp as he swallowed.

        “Oh dear! What will we ever do now!” Mel sang opera style, throwing a viking helmet with attached blond braids on her head.

        “Well, maybe I could be of assistance!” said yet another strange figure.

        “Who are you?” the gorilla man questioned while picking his rather large nose.

        “I am none other than… well, we are none other than the Annoying Brewers-Hater, Air Conditioning, and Physical Education!” the weirdo of weirdness said, revealing himself and the others by knocking his head into a large, purple tree.

        “Why would we want the help of a Brewers hater, and an annoying one at that, a gym class, and an air conditioner?” Mel sneered, rolling her eyes skyward while hopping on one foot.

        “Yeah, we don’t need you!” Steph laughed hysterically.

        “Yeah, I’m their leader!” Luke, otherwise known as Charlie McFinnigan, yelled so loud that Lauren could hear him in penguin heaven.

        Zac Efron sneered a sinister sneer while sneezing silently and slyly as he watched the travelers, who included Mel, Steph, Luke, Gorilla Boy, the pathetic Cubs, and Luke the very squished sandwich, walk away from the giggle tribe. My plan worked! He thought to himself. I knew that the giggling would drive them madly insane!

        He then followed them to their doom!

 

The End of the Lives of All Those Strange Idiots. 

CHAPTER THREE:

A SHORT INTERUPTION

 

       

        “Pardon the interruption, we’ll start in two minutes! Please get to your places!” rang the intercom voice at the ESPN studios.

        All around the studio, people ran frantically, papers flying around in the air wildly.

        “Where’s my coffee?” anchor man one screeched above the noise. He then proceeded to bring down his fist in a mug filled with mocha-extra cream concoction causing it to spurt all over his face and clothes.

        “I can’t find my script!” anchor man two furiously yelled, trying to be heard over the screams of his partner, anchor man one.

        “We are live in 30 seconds! 30 seconds, people!”

        The anchor men ran around in circles, their arms flailing.

 

10…9…8…

 

        The anchors settle down on their stools in front of the big desk with a T.V.  in it and argued with each other.

 

7…6…5…

 

        “I want to go first in the rundown!” anchor one says, blowing up in the face of anchor two, spit flying from his mouth.

        “No ME!” anchor two screams, punching anchor one in the forehead.

 

4…3…2…

 

        The anchors stop their screaming, shake hands, and put on their usual fake smiles.

 

1… and we’re on!

 

~The following is from their screen with their lines on it~

 

 S: Hi, I’m Steve!

St: And I’m Steven, and welcome to this episode of PTI!

 S:

 

        Before Steve could say his next line, there was an explosion! Purple monkeys fell from a hole in the rock, landing on top of the heads of poor Steve, Steven, and their entire crew.

        “What in the name of big papi!?” Steven yelled like a 73 year old Swedish Viking (Ja!).

        “Quick! Get…”

        But before Steve could say what he was about to vocalize, Kollin, Tim, and Tim, who had left their little traveling band, jumped out at them (They came out of the nose of a particularly giant-nostriled monkey, brandishing giant copies of 8^th grade social studies books.

        “We have come in need of help!” Kollin screamed like a clown who had drank way to many chocolate milks.

        “All right, we’ll help you, oh lords of the cumquat!” Steve’n’Steven yelped.

        But alas, before the three boys could escape, the Phantom of the Opera flew in, or rather, slid in, on a banister!

 

~Scary music plays in the background~

 

~“Da da… da da… da da da da da da da da… Da-Da!!!”~

 

“Oh No! The Phantom of the Opera! He’ll kill us with his salami stick!!!

 

CHAPTER FOUR:

TRAPPED IN THE JUNGLE

 

        While Tim, Tim, and Kollin were running mindlessly in circles trying to escape from the phantom, Luke, Mel, Steph, LTS, TMITGS, and the Cubs were trying to find their way out of the jungle. They had sent T, T, and K to look for help, but they didn’t know that somehow, they had ended up at the ESPN headquarters and gotten themselves attacked by a salami stick, so they were still wandering around in the woods looking for something.

        “Hey, look up ahead!” Stephanie and Mel sang out quite loudly while punching the gorilla man in the face simultaneously.

        “Cool! A castle!” the Cubs voiced in awe, pointing their fingers at a large brick object in the nearby distance.

        “Hey Mel! Isn’t that… Bowser’s castle?” the gorilla suit guy said in an interesting Canadian accent, perhaps trying to keep up the legacy left by the late, loveable, but rather slow penguin.

        “Yeah! Yeah, it is!” Mel and Steph rapped while beat boxing. “Dum, uhh! Dum dum, uhhh!”

        “Maybe we can get some help from this Bowser!” Luke wailed optimistically like an 87 year old knitting club president.

        “I don’t think you want to go…” TMITGS tried to warn him, but it was too late.

        Luke and the Cubs had already started skipping up the castle lane, all the while singing ‘Ring around the Rosie.’

        “Well, too late now,” the gorilla suit dude said with a shrug and a nod like an idiotic giraffe.

 

        So now, our travelers are split up into three groups! (Not including Ben of course.)

       

Group One: Kollin, Tim, and Tim! They are about to die by salami!

Group Two: Luke and the Losers! Heading towards Bowser Castle!

Group Three: Mel, Steph, TMITGS, and LTS! Wandering aimlessly!

       

What will happen now?!?

 

Too find out more about Mel’n’Steph’s adventure with Bowser and how the found Izzy, read Stephanie’s story!

 

 

New special insert by: Stephanie Winters

The Tale of Mel and Steph!

Not to mention their giggling minion

 

        When you first heard of Mel and Steph, they had just finished a very, very, very long rap routine! How did they get there?

        Well, it all started those also very long years ago with their agent the man in the gorilla suit.

        “How did you meet that ridiculous giggling elf?” TMITGS asked.

        “Well, we were walking in the forest and we heard weird giggling noises. We started to walk towards the sound, but it kept getting farther away, so we were walking for about a week and we finally caught up to the sound and looked to see an elf sitting there beside a waterfall,” started Steph.

        “When he saw us, he told us to follow him and he went behind the waterfall! We didn’t know what to do, so we followed the elf, and when we exited the spray of the waterfall, we saw a huge field of giant purple mushrooms! We skipped through the mushrooms and got to a huge, underground city full of giggling elves,” Mel continued for her.

        “We stayed in the elf village for about two weeks and Izzy the giggling elf the giggling elf said ‘I don’t want you to sob, sob, sob. You can go now.’ So Mel said, ‘You should come with us and you can be in our band!’ She also said it in a bad Swedish accent. The elf king was so grateful that we were going to take Izzy away, he threw us a luau and gave us candy and cookies and pie!”

        “Wow, what an interesting story! But doesn’t that elf ever stop giggling?”

        “When he’s sad, he sobs,” offered Mel while Steph started to walk away to go deep inside the forest and think…

        Meanwhile, Mel was still talking to the man in the gorilla suit and telling him about the elf village and why they always giggle. Luke the Sandwich hobbled after Steph to get away from Mel’s babbling.

        After two days, he still couldn’t find her, so he went back to find Mel, who was still babbling away randomly about who knows what she had changed the subject to. He interrupted her and showed her his notebook, which now read “Steph is missing. Lassie’s not here so I guess you have to help me find her.” Mel went with him, only to be stopped by Bowser, who had captured Steph and cast a spell on her with his baseball bat.

        Mel was so confused, she lunged at Bower, trying to get at the magic bat to free Stephie. She got zapped, and she fell to the ground. When she realized what happened, she convinced LTS and TMITGS to come with her to Bowser’s castle to help her retrieve Steph Stephers.

        Finally, when they reached Bowser’s lair, they found Steph stuck in the middle of a giant cube of Jell-O and Bowser playing his trombone horribly as torture in a corner.

        Mel quickly whispered a plan to her strange companions. The plan was for her to distract Bowser while they figured out a way to free Steph from the Jell-O. Mel silently crept towards Bowser, tackled him, and hit him on the head with his own trombone. They wrestled until he fell, or rather, got pushed, out his window and into the piranha infested moat and died a slow and excruciating death… or did he?

        Meanwhile, the dumb duo still couldn’t figure out how the Jell-O cage worked, so they were busy eating away at it. When Steph finally got out of the cage, she told Mel about how she had wandered into the forest to escape her endless rambling and how she got caught by Bowser and his stupid minions, the Cubs. She told her that they should work on getting rid of them forever. Mel told her Bowser was already gone, so his plots of destroying everyone and taking over the world were foiled. Or were they…

 

End of Insert. Now back to the          previously scheduled novel.

 

End of Part Four

 

PART FIVE

 

       For more accounts of Luke the Sandwich, go to www.lukethesandwich.synthasite.com. Not really. You can go to it, but there won’t be any more story than what you have already read. Well, where were we? Oh yes, the three groups. If you want to read about our dear Lukie Wukie, go to the next page!

 

      If you want to read about Mel and Steph and Gorilla boy with his sandwich, turn to page 54!

 

      If you want to read about Kolly Wolly and his minions, turn to page 56!

 

SECTION 1:

LUKE AND THE CHICAGO CUBS MEET THE KING OF THE ROCKS!

 

        “Wow! Where are we going? Ohh… pretty flowers!” Derek Lee rambled in the very hyperactive voice of o hyena on Red Bull.

        Luke, not wanting to talk to the idiots, just kept skipping down the lane, now singing “Row, row, row you boat…”

        “Are we there yet? How about now? Now? I have to go potty!” yelled one of the baseball players (if they even deserve that label) towards the end of the skipping line.

        “WE ARE HERE NOW!” Luke, the very nice, but highly frustrated, boy screamed at the top of his lungs while pounding his head on the wall of the castle, which was curiously painted cubbie blue.

        “State your names,” a mechanically roboty voice commanded monotonously.

        “Luke!”

        “Derek.”

        “Alfonso.”

        “Koske?”

        “Ryan.”

        “Carlos.”

        “Lou!”

        each person stated in turn.

        “What is your reason?” the chilly voice requested.

        “Reason?” Lucas questioned instantly, his hands on his hips.

        “Yes. What are you here for?”

        “Ummm…” Luke paused to think.

        “Cupcakes!” one of the Cubs, probably Lou, announced brightly.

        “O.K.” the voice accepted.

        Then, the large door swung open, sadly flattening poor Lou and Koske to death in the act.

        Not really caring about the two lost members, Luke and the remaining losers walked through the door. What they saw was amazing. The inside of the castle was just like… a Mario game! Super Mario Bros. to be exact. In the background, the famed music played da da da da da-da-da…! and mushrooms, goombas rather, walked around stupidly crashing into gleaming boxes of goodies.

        “Wow! This is amazing!” cried Luke in utter amazement as he went over to a floating box, jumped, and received a shiny gold coin.

        “It’s just like being in a Mario gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!” Alfonso tried to say, but he had just walked into a red mushroom, which began to make him grow, really grow. Not just about twice as big as Mario did, but grow infinitely giant size! “What happened to me?” Alfonso cried down to them. Being upset with his new size, he started to stomp around in a temper tantrum, squishing Ryan the Riot.

        Luke and the others (Derek and Carlos) walked through the room, or rather, level, to see what they could find, leaving a rather distraught Alfonso behind with the remains of the Riot. He could be heard yelling, “What have I done!” everywhere except Finland as he died of heartbreak.

        As Luke and the cubbies reached the end of the level, Luke slapped his face with the back of his hand. “I am such an idiot! I have been leading us into a trap all along! This castle is exactly like Bowser’s castle in the game, and if I’m not mistaken…” But the poor boy could not finish, for out of the darkened corner came a ginormous, humungo roar…

        “HELP US!” Derek and well, just Derek screamed, jumping into Luke’s arms. (Carlos had been killed by a skeleton turtle while Luke had been talking to himself.)

        “ROOOAAAARRR!!! I AM BOWSER! FEAR MY FACE!!!” said the voice, stepping out of the dark corner.

        “What in the name of AOM is that? It’s hideous!” Luke said, trying to hide his face from the monster.

        “Aaaugh!” Derek swooned, his hand on his forehead. Then he fainted, knocking his head on a turtle shell and sorrowfully dying a painful, slow death.

        “I’m all alone! Although that’s not much worse than being surrounded by a bunch of stupid losers, but now I don’t have anyone else for them to torture first!” Luke cried unhappily like a scared little boy who had lost his puppy. “Please don’t eat me, Mr. Creep!”

        “I’m not going to eat you! What fun would that be? I’m going to torture you, of course! The creepy creep creature roared in a terribly familiar voice. Then he began to skip towards Luke.

        “Where are you taking me?” Luke screamed very loudly as the monster took him by the ear and dragged him towards a bright red door.

        “Somewhere… NICE! Mwuuahahahahaa!!!” the creature cried, blinking his hideous, different colored eyes at poor, distressed Luke.

 

 30 seconds later

 

        “I can’t take it anymore! This is torture! GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW! I could just die!”  Luke screamed like Indiana Jones stuck in a pit filled up to his face with snakes.

        “Torture? I think this is wonderfully delightful! I took me years to perfect my collection! It would have taken me longer if a certain friend hadn’t bribed me with a certain something!” the weirdo claimed mysteriously with the sneer of an evil villain from a superhero movie.

        “Who is this ‘certain friend’? And what is this ‘certain something’?” Luke questioned like a super agent secret spy guy. His eyes narrowed into slits as the creature walked around and around the chair poor Luke was tied to with licorice whips.

        Why was the room torture? The room was filled with all the pro-Cubs and anti-Brewer stuff you could think of. The walls sported cubbie blue, radiant red, and white stripes. A Cubs logo encumbered the ceiling and all over the walls were Cub promoting posters. It was madness! I can’t even bear to write it! In fact, I won’t do it! It is too frightening to even write on paper… so I’ll leave the imagining up to you… or the movie directors, which ever comes first!

        “Well, in a few hours, I will take you, Mr. Luke, to my certain friend. There, you and some other undesirables will be disposed of in some horrible, painful way, I’m sure! Now, sit back and relax as I treat your eyes to 5 hours of Cubs history! Maybe, when we’re done with the 20^th volume, the one we’ll be watching first, we can go back through the rest of the set! Won’t that be delightful?” the monster growled, laughing at his own devious plan.

        “Just kill me now!” Luke groaned as the black screen became full of color and the ‘Go Cubs Go’ song blasted at full volume.

        And that’s were we leave our poor, young hero, Luke Edward Walker… in the hands of a terrible, messed up, villainous, Cubs-loving creature… for now at least!

 

        Now, you have many options! You can…

A: Just stop reading now and go eat a marshmallow fluff sandwich.

B: Go back to the ‘Choose a Story’ page and read one of the other group’s stories.

OR

C: Throw this book at the wall and scream like an idiot chimpanzee in a bright red prom dress and a blond, curly haired wig!

SECTION 2:

GORILLA BOY AND HIS COMPANIONS MEET THE AIR CONDITIONING AND PHISICAL EDUCATION

 

        This is the story of the gorilla man, who’s proper name we still do not know yet, his pet sandwich, Luke, and their friends and clients, the famed singers, once a trio and now a duo, Mel and Steph!

        Well, let’s see, when we last left the smart ones, they were trying to warn Luke about going into the castle they had seen in the forest, well, jungle because it was so overgrown, and, of course, Luke paid no attention to them. As these travelers gave up their warnings and started to walk away, they noticed a hot air balloon… just sitting there by an old tree, which happened to be the homey home of a family of gray squirrels, not that that matters, does it?

        “Wow! Look at that awesomely awesome hot air balloon!” Mel awesomely sang in an awesomely awesome voice awesomely! Did I mention she sang awesomely?

        “I’ve always wanted to go on one of those cool things!” Stephanie sang in a cool voice coolly.

        ~Can we? Please master!~ Luke the Sandwich wrote wonderingly on his almost full notepad.

        “I don’t know, it looks pretty fishy to me!” TMITGS said, pointing at the design on the hot air balloon. It was blue with pictures of fish on it.

        “Ohh, please?!?” the others all sang in a New Mexican burrito bar.

        “OH ALL RIGHT! We will ride on the hot air balloon!” Mr. Ape screamed, beating his chest with his fists like Tarzan.

        ~Yay! And no more cheesy jokes, please.~ Luke wrote on his pad.

        The group proceeded to jump into the balloon’s basket one by one excitedly.

        ~Does anyone know how to work this thing?~ Luke the very sandwichy sandwich scripted in perfectly perfect hand writing.

        “No!” everyone else replied scratching their heads like apes, or in the gorilla’s case, gorillas.

        “Let’s just push all the buttons or whatever at once!” Mel laughed happily.

        “Stop!” Steph sang, but she was too late!

        Mel had already pushed every single thing that could be pushed and the balloon was rising up into the big blue sky at a very fast rate.

        “What will we do now?” TMITGS cried like a scared kitten who had almost gotten hit by an SUV on Main Street.

        “Hello everyone!” said two quite familiar voices.

        “I thought I just heard someone talk! But no one’s around but birds!” Stephie thought aloud.

        “We are birds!” two rather stupid and ugly looking birds tweeted happily. “Throw us a line and we’ll pull you to safety!”

        So the people threw the birds a line and

*BANGO!* those birds turned into people and the balloon went sailing down to the ground below.

        “What just happened?” the confused travelers seeking help screamed at the birds.

        “We aren’t birds, and you are going to die!” said the first guy.

        “Yeah! We are taking you to a special place where someone will get rid of you pests for good!” said the second guy.

        This is where we leave these people! In the hands, or wings, of two stupidly idiotic bird people! What will happen?

       

SECTION 3:

THE TERRIBLE END TO KOLLY WOLLY AND HIS FRIENDS, THE TIMS

 

        So we left these human boys in the hands of the Phantom of the Opera and the Salami Stick of Doom.

        “Quick! Run away!” Kollin screamed at the Tims, but it was too late.

        The phantom had already pummeled them to death with the deli meat. Kollin luckily got away because of his FBI experience.

        Then, the entire studio went black, or purple, I don’t know which, and Kollin disappeared in a puff of noxious green gas.

        This is what Kollin heard before he vanished:

        “I will take you to my master for your doom!”

 

       Now that you’re done with this adventure, turn back to that one page and choose another story… unless this is your last one… then continue on reading my delightful tale which has involved maniacal Care Bears and injured unicorns.

 

      So now, all of my characters. Shall I list them for you have forgotten or lost track? Well, there’s Mel and Steph and Luke and Luke, as well as the gorilla boy! ☺J☻ Oh yeah, and Kollin’s still left too.

      All right, well now I guess you want to read about the fate of these characters… right? You want to see who will survive, who the master is… right? Well too bad. I feel like babbling, but you will eventually find out. And if you skip this page to find out quicker, you’ll miss out… not really… I guess you could go ahead and skip what I’m saying… I mean, it’s not like it’s important or anything, right!? Go ahead, what are you still reading for, turn to the next page! Don’t listen to my mindless rambling… go read what happens to Luke and all his buddies.

 

GO NOW AND READ!!!

 

CHAPTER ONE PART SIX:

THE END OF THE LONG, WINDING YELLOW BRICK ROAD

 

        Bzzzz… click.

        ~ Someone reaches out a gloved hand and pulls a lever, which turns on a big, almost empty room revealing a large object in the corner. The object is a giant cage made of… Jell-O? Now that sounds somewhat familiar doesn’t it?

        In the cage are four humans (two boys and two girls), a gorilla, and his pet sandwich. They are completely unconscious, wait, the gorilla is snoring like a sick elephant seal with a handlebar mustache… they must be asleep…

        The smaller boy to the left of the cage twitches and opens one eye, then two and proceeds to stretch and yawn. ~

        “Where am I?” Luke thought to himself. His eyes, which had the pupils of an aging cat lady, darted around the room wildly, trying to grasp the whereabouts of his surroundings. He felt a tugging at his shoe laces and looked down to see a sandwich chewing furiously on them… strange, Luke the Sandwich didn’t usually chew things! As he looked closer, he noticed a little pair of glasses on the sandwich’s head! But he knew nothing of it. TMITGS must have created a sandwich companion for little Luke…

        “I will name you… Laura Lhammar, in honor of the late, excuse my pun (Lauren was slow (late) and late means dead), Lauren the penguin (who is living happily in penguin heaven, well, maybe not so happily),” Luke thought again.

        In fact, during whatever time he had spent in the Jell-O cage, he had experienced a dream about Lauren the penguin and her times in penguin heaven.

        He saw her sitting on a cloud, tears pouring out of her eyes. The scene then changed to a darker than a dark storm scene. Lightning flashed and the thunder roared in the background. He saw Lauren sitting in a large willow tree bare of leaves and other life. Then he heard this:

        “You, Lauren, have been banished from penguin heaven to Earth! What would you like to return as?” something said in a roaring, demonic voice. (He later learned that this voice belonged to a large, black polar bear with squinty, red eyes that could kill from one little glance.)

        Lauren, who had always been a somewhat delusional person, had become even more insane when she had reached penguin heaven. This is why she answered this question with, “Pickles!”

        BAM! With a flash of bright, blue light, Lauren turned into a large dill pickle. She could still walk and talk, but she looked like a pickle.

        The next part was a little creepy. He saw Lauren jump off the edge of a large yellowish green cloud and into the very room he occupied now.

        Jolting back from his dream, the sandwich still gnawing on his laces, he glanced around to see if his dream was true.

        Sure enough, there was a dill pickle laying outside the cage talking to itself.

        “Sure I ate the pie, but I didn’t blow up the laptop last Saturday. Don’t hurt me; I only ate a pie, cherry! Don’t kill me! Mumbo Jumbo! Finland!” the small pickle murmured, clutching her bumpy knees and rocking back and forth.

        “Psst!” Luke whispered, trying to get the attention of the strange pickles cucumber.

        “Oh my goodness! Luke! What has happened?” the pickle yelled like a maniac idiotic sheep from Mars.
        “I really don’t know! I mean, it all happened so fast! One minute I was walking through a forest and then a castle, and then, whoosh! I’m here! Please help me!” Luke wailed, snot dripping out of his left nostril.

        “Oh my goodness! Luke! What has happened?” the demented pickle shouted once more, her eyes darting around crazily.

        “Oh, you’re no help!” Lukie Wukie sneezed in anguish.

        “57!” Mel cried, acting very confused. She jolted from her deep sleep and hit Steph in the act.

        “Hey, who hit me?” Steph whimpered, clutching her right arm in pain.

        “What happened Luke?” Mel’n’Steph groaned like growly wolves who had just eaten three bags of dill pickle flavored potato chips.

        “We… are… being held prisoners… by some… ego… maniac!” Lucas screamed. He then began to run around in circles wildly.

        Kollin was still sleeping peacefully, clutching a bright pink stuffed unicorn and mumbling softly to himself.

        ~Aww… Look at him!~ Laura the Sandwich, who had been thrown off Luke’s shoes when he got up, wrote on her paper pad.

        “Oh my goodness! Luke! What has happened?” the pickle repeated also while running in a circular motion.

        “Get me outta here!” Kollin screamed bloody murder, waking up from his sleep.

        With that, the doors towards the front of the room flung open revealing… the infamous Zac Efron, enemy to Luke and everyone else, even the pickle who is not so right in the head.

        “Ahh, I see my minions have apprehended you all!” Zac sneered menacingly, his upper lip curling At the sight of the travelers.

        “You can’t stop us from escaping you again!” Luke laughed confidently.

        “Oh my goodness! Luke! What has happened?” the pickle mumbled once again, stopping her maniac circles.

        “Now see! That’s where you have it wrong!” Zac laughed, amused, completely ignoring the pickle’s antics. “You will not escape this time! Now come, I think it’s time for a little walk!”

        One by one, each prisoner left the Jell-O fortress and followed the Disney star down the flight of stairs and out the door. All accept one… well, rather two. The gorilla man and his oldest sandwich were nowhere to be found, and, of course, Zac did not notice because he was too busy looking at himself on the trees, which were all covered in his posters.

        They traveled through the forest where they had been in the boa tea cups, the balloon, and Bowser’s castle, but those items had mysteriously disappeared!

        Now, all that’s left are Luke, Laura Lhammar, Lauren the penguin now turned into a pickle, Kollin, and Stephanie. Mel had disappeared behind a clump of trees.

        When they finally got to their destination, Zac let out a roar and pushed everyone but Luke into a large, empty pit.

        “You stole my Loretta! You killed her! If I can’t have her, you can’t either!” Zac screamed, his eyes bulging and blood shot.

        “I didn’t kill Loretta!” Luke screamed back highly confused.

        “Then who did!?” Zac yelled, pushing Luke into the pit.

        “We’re all gonna die!” Stephanie cried, fainting and knocking herself out on a large gray rock.

        And that’s what happened.

        Zac shot gallons and gallons of hot sauce from his eyes into the pit where each person drowned.

        It is a sad tale, and really quite a graphic one, so I prefer not to give you the details. Ask Kollin about it. He’ll tell you, for he survived.

        After Zac left, Kollin drank all the hot sauce and climbed out of the pit. Now he is the bomb (I’ll tell you later).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is the end of our tale… for now!!!

 

The moral of my story is: jealousy kills… It really does!!!

 

The END

Epilouge

Of Characters in Order of Appearance

 

Zac Efron- Zac is still the leader of Smikenladougalthefkin. No one has learned of his act of murder.

Luke Edward Walker- He died by hot sauce, or did he… He was buried somewhere over the rainbow.

Loretta VonSlugerhausen- She was killed by Luke… or was she… Her body still leys in the middle of the tropical jungle.

Gorilla Boy, TMITGS, the Man in the Gorilla Suit, the gorilla man, etc.- He vanished mysteriously, but there are a few rumors that he has been sighted in Saskatchewan driving a zamboni with a very sad sandwich riding on his shoulder.

Luke the Sandwich, LTS, etc.- The very cheery guy is now sad because his girlfriend was roasted in a fiery pit of hot sauce. He is still traveling with his best buddy, TMITGS.

Steve the Cat- He died peacefully in his new home away from the puddle of disappearing ranch dressing at 12 years of age. He enjoyed fish and chips and he was actively involved in his local litter box agency.

The Cubs, the Losers, the Loserly Losers, the idiots, etc.- They are currently in first place ahead of the Cardinals, but the Brewers helped them get there. The curse Luke put on them will prevail!

Dr. Ben Tbelforde the Third, Benji, Benjamin, Dr. Tbelforde, etc.- Ben was never turned back into a human, sadly… but he lives happily with the giggling elf tribe. On June 1^st, he will be wed to the tribe’s princes, Benjima.

Tim and Tim, the Tims, T and T, etc.- This duo was killed by the Phantom of the Opera and his salami stick of doom. When the PTI crew found their bodies the next day, they were stuffed and mounted on the wall where the show is filmed. Next time you see PTI on the channel guide, watch to see the figures of Tim and Tim. (If they are not there, then the health inspectors must have confiscated them already. They are kind of a health hazard.)

Kollin, K- Kollin is now the world’s best FBI agent! He shoots criminals with his burn breath, which he acquired from drinking all that hot sauce.

Care Bears- They live peacefully on their own planet, still plotting to destroy the world and mass produce machine guns.

Lauren Hammar- She is back in penguin heaven after she was roasted by hot sauce, well… actually after Laura the Sandwich ate her and was turned into grilled cheese.

Mel, Melio, MJ, when with Steph- Mel’n’Steph – Mel resides with her agent, TMITGS! She has been sighted singing the national anthem at baseball games across the world. She plans to brainwash the world of swearing and stupid ideas.

Steph, Stephie, Stephanie, SW, when with Mel- Mel’n’Steph- She died by fainting, which she never does, and hitting her head on a rather large and sharp rock. She is buried under a patch of flowers at 6 Flags Wiggle World in Illinois. If you want to go see her, she is by the big red planes.

Izzy the Giggling Elf- He is still giggling and will never stop… hahahehehetehehahahateteheheha!!!

Lauren the Sandwich– She was turned into grilled cheese and continues to eat shoe laces in penguin heaven to the dismay of Lauren.

Luke’s Crazy Aunt Janet– No one knows what happened to her. I guess she has been seen at the set of American Idol stalking her latest favorite, David Cook! She is wanted by the FBI.

Bowser, A.B., Annoying Brewers-Hater (Yes, they are the same idiots)– Use your imagination. It couldn’t be any worse than what I write.

P.E., Physical Education- He got abandoned by his friend, A.C., and is now living with his pet rocks on a deserted island reading up on how to be ‘white and nerdy.’

A.C., Air Conditioning- He is married happily to a giant, orange tree frog and resides in South Africa where he is a renowned opera singer.

Character List

 

Luke: played by himself, Luke Edward Walker

Loretta: I’m sorry, she is not real.

Zac Efron: played by himself, the HSM star about to film #3

TMITGS: played by Rick Nellis

Luke the Sandwich: played by himself, a PB & J

Steve the Cat: based on Nathan’s trumpet, Steve

Dr. Ben Tbelforde III: played by Ben Belford, who is probably playing AOM right now.

Kollin: played by himself, Kollin Eliot

Tim (1): played by himself, Tim Callahan (Artificial Tim or Synthetic Tim)

Tim (2): played by himself, (Organic Tim, Real Tim, 7T (Tim Timity Tim Timity Tim Tim Teru), or Cowdemon)

Lauren Hammar: played by Laurel Hemmer

                -What a coinkydink-

Chicago Cubs: played by themselves, the loserly losers (Ryan The Riot, Alfonso Soriano, Carlos Zambrano, Lou Pinella, Koske Fukodome, Derek Lee, Felix Pie)